In the course of 7 days, we lived with either butterflies or gut punches. In just a week span of time, Casey was recalled to the Big Leagues and sent to the minors 5 times. It went a little something like this: Up, Down, Up, Down, Up!
As someone who struggles with anxiety, I try to do my best at releasing circumstances that are out of my control. However, it is so much easier to say than to (try) and actually do! The truth is, after one of his call ups I tried to convince myself “I’m never going to question Gods plan for us, again”. I felt that the Lord had worked a true miracle and answered my prayers which left me feeling guilty for not trusting him in the first place.
When we got sent down (again) I failed. I almost instantly questioned God's plan for us! What am I doing? I had just told myself that I wouldn't do what I just did! If the Lord was testing me, I failed, Miserably! The knots in my stomach that were replaced with excitement quickly returned back to knots.
WHY DID I FAIL?
Faith can be a rollercoaster. I feel like I have grown more in my faith this season than ever before, yet I will still fail. This season, I gained a prayer partner (a veteran wife in this game)-who has pushed me and encouraged me every step of the way to seek and hear Jesus. She once told me that she gives thanks to God even when her husband strikes out! Which would be equivalent to Casey giving up a hit!? I seriously laughed out loud when she told me that, but she’s right! Guys, she is so right! God wants us to rejoice in ALL circumstances. The call ups, the send downs and every hit or strikeout in between.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
I NEEDED A MOMENT
I sat under the bright stadium lights, the week of our 7 day whirlwind and I glanced down to see my husband warming up in the bullpen. It was a close 3-2 ball game against the New York Yankees. As he trotted out to the mound, my nerves started to creep in. I have always prayed for him when he pitches. In fact I have been praying the same prayer over him for years. It doesn't include winning, or for him to pitch perfect but rather him to be the person God created him to be. Yet in this particular instance-I prayed for something more.
I prayed for this to be a moment.
In hindsight I think I needed a moment. In fact I know I did. I felt a sense of gratitude to be able to stay at home and see my husband continue to live out his dream. However, I was also frustrated with myself that I once again questioned God and his plan for us. Every time I felt overwhelmed, instead of letting anxiety consume me-I started to scan across the crowd. I would look up to see the massive bright lights and gaze back to my seemly small (6’4) husband on the mound (talk about perspective). All while reminding myself that regardless of how the game unfolds, I am sitting and getting to watch the love of my life, do what he loves to do.
Casey went on to pitch 3 scoreless innings to close out the game.
Three scoreless innings are not what mattered that day, because even though numbers and stats might define us in baseball, they will never define the Lord. They will never define the relationship we are able to have with him and what He is able to do in and through us.
WHEN A SONG IS YOUR LIFE
The lyrics from a NeedtoBreathe song called "Happiness" stuck in my mind throughout this time. “I got dreams that keep me up in the dead of night. Telling me I wasn't made for the simple life (ha, if they only knew).There's a light I see, but it's far in the distance, I’m asking you to show me some forgiveness (lots of forgiveness Lord). It's all for you in my pursuit of happiness.”
That chorus pretty much sums up our week. What I have learned is that we cannot see the whole picture. We are not supposed to! We won’t always know what is in store, but we can seek the one who holds our future in his hands. It won’t be easy. We will stumble and fail and will need that forgiveness to keep on pursuing and chasing our hearts desires. At the end of the day-this life, Caseys career, it’s all for Him and we will do our best to rejoice in the good and the bad because that is what we are called to do!